So many blog entries are about the fun things we do together, the great accomplishments of the kids, or the cute things they say and do. But I want to document some more of the everyday events or ways of life. I write this blog entry for myself and for my kids to read later. I don't do it for pity. I have several friends who have done this and are still doing it so they know what life is like when your on the night shift. I accept that this is my life for now.
I've worked the night shift for the last 16 years with the exception of about 4 months of days before we moved to Mass. That's a 12 hour shift 2-3 nights a week. All the time I get asked, "how do you do it?" I don't know. I just get through one week at a time. In any given situation you just do what you need to do to get things done. But I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep it up. Every night I have the same conversation in my head. I'm tired of "living the nightlife". I ponder all the following points and come to the same conclusion every time. Luckily the conversation with myself keeps getting shorter and shorter. I know the ending so I just skip to it. It's always, "for now I just need to do it".
There are so many reasons to not work the night shift:
1) I feel TIRED all the time! Not just your normal tired, I'm deflated, exhausted, I have no energy for daily functions. Sometimes it's hard just to make myself get out of bed and move forward. After working I come home, get Mason to school, take Cord to the babysitters, then get to sleep by 9:00 am. I have to wake up at 2:00 pm to pick up Chelsea from seminary. That's 5 hours of sleep with no time to rest after that. The afternoons are filled with helping the kids with homework, running kids to lessons, and trying to get the kids something for dinner before heading back to work.
It's hard on me and the family to work 3 nights in a row so I try to scatter my shifts around - 2 on, 2 off, 1 on, 2 off 1 on, etc. But when I'm off for a night, I need to try and get out of "night mode". I try to get to sleep at a decent hour because I still need to wake up the next morning and be a mom. That's hard to do because I got up at 2:00 and can't make my body go to bed at 10:00 pm again. By bouncing back and forth like that, I never get caught up. On the weekends it is a little easier because I don't have to get the kids to school or have to wake up early, but for some reason I don't sleep as well with the kids home. I hear every little noise.
When I'm tired my eyes will just water for no reason. The kids have finally learned that I'm not crying, I'm just tired.
I try really hard not to be cranky due to the sleep deprivation, but most of the time I'm unsuccessful. Sometimes I'm irrational and I don't have any patience. I say and do things I regret later but the damage is already done.
I have a hard time dealing with stress or emotions. I have broken into tears at a parent/teacher conference once. Not necessarily because of the things the teacher was telling me, but because I only had 3 hours of sleep and couldn't deal with all the little details. Everything was so overwhelming to me. It was a good thing the teacher actually lived down the street from me so she was understanding.
I can honestly say that there have been times when I was so tired that I shouldn't be driving. Sometimes I'll call Mike in the morning and make him talk to me until I get home. I've fallen asleep on the couch while waiting for Mason to get ready for school and then we are late.
I didn't know how crappy I felt all the time until I worked the day shift for a few months. My mom summed it up once when she commented, "We like you when you get sleep."
2) Because my schedule is so varied I don't ever have the same night off every week. This has made it difficult to have a set routine for things around the house. We don't have a day we can do family home evening every week so it doesn't get done. We don't have a routine to clean the house or do laundry like every Saturday because I'm often sleeping. It also makes it difficult to have a balanced sit down family dinner at night because we are often short on time and on the run. Not even every Sunday night because I have to take a nap or get ready for work. We do make it a point to get the family to church every week whether or not I've worked because I don't want the kids to think it's OK not to go even if you are tired. It helps that church is at 1:00 now because I can sleep a few hours before we have to go. But it makes it impossible to take a nap before. I do miss that.
3) Working night shift takes a toll on your health as well. I have an increased risk of breast cancer by up to 60% because of decreased exposure to natural light which suppresses melatonin which increased production of estrogen. I have an increased risk for intestinal, colon, and rectal cancer. I'm more at risk for heart diseases. I have an increased stress level because I don't have time to "unwind" after work due to my limited window for sleep. The brain needs 8 hours of sleep to feel nourished and rested. I don't even get this on my days off. My body is so confused it doesn't know when to sleep or be awake. I'm more susceptible to respitory illnesses because of the effects of sleep deprivation on the immune system. I experience frequent headaches. The medical evidence is overwhelming. Just google it sometimes if you want to get really depressed.
My metabolism is mess up because of the disruption of the sleep cycle. Eating also becomes a challenge. On my first night to work I've eaten breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Then I go to work and have "lunch" at midnight. I also snack most of the night to stay awake. There is not always the most healthy foods available in the hospital so I have to plan ahead to bring healthy snacks. I'm usually "starving" when I get home so I eat anything in sight right before I go to sleep. Even on my nights off I tend to get hungry at midnight. The fatigue I feel all the time makes it hard to get to the gym - even though I do feel better and have more energy after a good workout. I constantly struggle with my weight.
I know I've got more wrinkles than if I wasn't working nights. I don't take care of my body like I need to. I always look tired.
4) Working nights is hard on family relationships. Mike and I can go for days without ever seeing each other. I usually leave for work before he gets home and he is always gone in the morning before I get home. He gets both girls to school and then heads to work or school himself. When I am off, it's hard to have the energy to go out on a date or even do anything together. When I'm at work Mike has the responsibility to finish up homework with the kids, help them with their nightly chores, then he has to start on his own homework after they go to bed so he's also emotionally exhausted when we do have time to be together.
It's hard for me to be the patient, loving mother I want to be when I'm so tired and cranky. It's always been my worst fear that all my kids will remember about their childhood is that their mom was cranky and tired all the time. I'm afraid that they won't remember the sacrifices I'm making for them, all the stories we read together, all the fun things we do when I am off for a few days, or the fact that I've been to all their school functions or performances even if I was to tired to remember it. I've fallen asleep during Primary programs in sacrament meetings. Sometimes people will look at the blog and think we just do fun things all the time. I think in some ways I may be overcompensating and trying to make good memories to overshadow the not so good ones. Like when I don't even have the energy to change out of my scrubs, put in my contacts, or even shower. When I'm just a slug on the couch.
So after all that, you are asking yourself "why even put yourself through that?" "Is it even worth it?" There are a few positives about working nights.
1) I'm home when the kids get home from school so I can hear about their day, help with homework, or drive them to their lessons.
2) I can be to school functions if I need to be - even if I'm just propped up in the chair in the audience.
3) Mason doesn't have an option to ride a bus to school and it's to far to walk so I'm available to drive him there and pick him up.
4) I actually get more time with the kids (especially Cord). When I worked day shift by the time I got home it was his bedtime and he was asleep in the morning when I would have to leave again.
5) Night shift tends to be a more low key environment. There's no administration wandering around, less doctors to deal with, less drama with patients families, etc. Night shift is also notorious for working better together as a team where on days you have to fend for yourself.
6) Depending on my patient assignment, the middle of the night is really the only time I have to read.
7) The kids always have a parent available at home.
8) It's the best way that I support my husband as he finishes school. He is free during the day to do what he needs to do. I know that this time is just temporary. As soon as we can we'll be able to make changes to our schedules.
So I'm stuck for now. The only light at the end of the tunnel will be when Mike graduates and gets a job then I can cut down to part time. Next year Mason will be at the middle school with Brianna and they can ride a bus to and from school. When Chelsea can drive she can pick up Cord from a babysitters after school and drive other kids to lessons if I'm at work.
We all realize that I'm just getting to old to keep up "living the nightlife"
